oh god...have you ever wanted someone soo bad, but cant tell them??

god this person is amazing and i wanna tell them...but i cant...it would just be another person to hurt me....another way to cry...but fuck if i just say it whats the worst that could happen?? it would be weird between us when we see each other? i wouldnt let it be...though other people do sometimes haha

fuck!

why cant life be easy??? i wish i could just say it dammit...but nope..too shy hahaha

god im glad people dont actually read these things haha

hmmmmm

what to do what to do....

meh...oh well nothing to da hahaha

*sigh*

mabee i dont want to be your everything,

mabee i just wanna be something to you,

mabee i am sick of hurting for you,

mabee i dont wanna wait for you anymore.

mabee im sick of always wondering if she will take my place,

of wondering if you might love her more than me,

mabee i dont want to live my life in your shadow,

mabee i need to be free of your chains.

s i can find someone who will hold me,

so i can find someone who will make me feel special,

even if im not their everything...

 

dammit i cant even write anymore...i need to get out of here...everything is starting to hurt to much...i need a vacation...but honestly where can i go? i dont know anyone in another town that i could be all like hey let me stay there for a day or two..and i cant stay here..everything is too fucked up...mabee....

 

mabee i want to find someone who wont make me cry all the time....

churning and burning, the tears are falling on the inside,

the pains i refuse, the anger i reuse, the confusion i deny,

the love i destroy, the help i give up,

the friends i lose, the people i throw away,

can you love me for me, if i can show you who i am?

can you accept my sadness, and still love me with tears streaming down my face?

can you fall in love with my smile and my laughter?

can you never forget sweet memories of me?

will you look back on the sunny days and think of the laughter?

will you look back on the rainy days and think of our time to cuddle?

...............................................

.....................................................

.........................................................

............................................................

...s.o...t.i.r.e.d..n.o.t..f.a.l.l.i.n.g..a.s.l.e.e.p.................................

............................................................

.........................................................

.....................................................

.................................................

and the one you dream of is not there, and the one you cant hurt is always there,

and the one that your thinking of, is not the face of the one you love,

and the pain you feel, none can touch none can heal,

and the pain you cause, is it worth the ride?

and the taste of their lips, do they compare?

and the feeling in their arms, does it truly make you happier?

and the tears in their eyes, and the shaking in their voice,

and the knowledge that you crushed their heart,

can only be beaten by the pain you feel,

at losing people you know you love,

and being hurt by someone you know could never love you,

and the reason you beg them to stay,

and run to the arms of the one hurting you,

and the confusion unravels as you realise,

the damage you caused, the pain you brought,

and you throw yourself in deeper, thinking it will save you,

and you run back to the ones that brings the tears to your eyes,

and you continue to try to hide from the truth,

until your in so fucking deep,

and you know there's no turning back now,

and you know it will take all your strength,

to walk away, to say goodbye,

and you still use the last of your energy,

to try and make yourself perfect for that one,

who your never quite good enough for,

who your never quite perfect enough to please,

and when the tears in their eyes dry up,

and they take their place in your eyes,

and you cannot stop them from falling,

and you turn to them for help,

but turn away cause their smiling,

and your not the one their smiling at,

and so you run back to the one who keeps you in pain,

and console yourself in the few moments of.....

of what?

of untrue joy you lie about to keep?

of a few stolen moments you fight to keep?

and when you see the pain you brought on yourself,

will you run back to the beginning,

to the point where you started?

will you run back?

back to the point?

and when your left alone in the cold again,

and everyone is safe and warm at home,

and you are left on the streets below,

to look up at the lights and the party,

and see the happy shadows,

and know you gave it all up,

and when the truth finally hits you,

and you fall to the ground,

where do you go, where will you run?

will you run back to the beginning,

to the point where you started?

will you run back?

back to the point where it all began?

back to the point where it will end?

 

as the dreams fade and the hopes die,

as the thunder rolls and the rain pours,

as the pain rises and the screams grow,

who will be there and who will go,

i curl up in a little ball,

watching the faces on the wall,

this is my t.v,

this is my reality,

the life i truly lead,

always unseen,

i live in the shadows,

always unheard,

always unseen,

and when i emerge,

its always her,

the one thats strong,

who never lets go,

she never cries,

not even alone,

but she'll shed one tear,

when she finally loses and the innocence disappears.

a smile a kiss a cold winter smile,

a love that wont break at least for a while,

a hug a forbidden touch,

a face i miss so much,

 

 

and this is where i stop, as the drugs still run in my veins, and i hope your karma finds you, for putting me through this hell, and i hope that i dont see you anymore, and i just want to sleep, i want to run and hise and cry, to curl up in your arms, and feel safe and secure and warm, and finally sleep awhile,but how do i do that when your so far away, yet within my touch???

 

oh god some one save me im falling,

all this pain i feel must  be unreal,

how can i let you go,

when your all i ever wanted?

how can i tell you no,

when you look me in the eyes and smile,

when you hold me when i cry,

when your here when noones else is,

how do i walk away,

when you hold my heart in your hand?

this pain in my heart, is it good is it bad?

how do i tell, how do i find out?

why cant i stop these tears?

why can you only stop the tears?

why do i have to try and tell myself a lie?

do you want me to continue to lie?

how can i when my heart cries for you?

i love you so much,

i always have,

even if i say otherwise,

i always will.

im sorry.

i love you too much.

 

and suddenly my heart gives out,

i find myself in tears once again,

i regret everything that ever was,

and i resent everything thats coming,

i hate you for what you did to me,

how you left me alone in the cold,

i hate you for what you did to me,

how you took me from my home,

how you took away my happiness,

and made all my roses fade away,

how you tore me from my everything,

and killed my last ray of hope,

i find myself hating everything we had,

i find myself regretting all those hours,

i wasted convincing you i love you,

i find myself resenting all those times,

i tried my hardest and gave my everything,

just to put a smile on yur face,

and i remember all the things you have done,

to prove to me just how much,

of my life was wasted on tears,

that should have been smiles,

and i cant help but thinking,

family is not the ones who raised you,

and taught you as a child,

but family is rather the ones,

who raised you when you fell,

and loved you still bthrough all your mistakes,

family is the ones who will be there,

no matter the road you choose,

not because you share a name and its their duty,

but because they value ou and its what they want,

family is the ones who are happy for you,

just because your happy,

not because your making them happy,

all my life i was taught to love you,

now i only pity you,

for i see the monster you were taught to be,

i see the way you gave up your life,

i see the way you really see me,

all my life i was taught to love you,

and now i only pity you,

and the tears stream down you face,

chained behind the bars that contain you,

and i smile as i walk away,

because i know now i am free,

my cage doors have opened,

my shackles have fallen at my feet,

and i am truly free to walk away.

and i cant help but resent you.

hehehehehe so i got my tattoo and it looks absoloutley rad!!!! i fuckin love it soooo much!!!!!

hehehe today was fun....we slept in, and then sat on the computers...and then went for my tattoo...after a looongggg think about whether  we really wanted to pay a taxi for it or wait till tomorrow..which last about 30 seconds lol...and so we went for my tattoo...and then we taxi'd back here..or rather for food...yippee for dq blizzards...and i bought her lunch as a birthday  present...which isnt much but its something lol and now here we are sitting on the computers again..tee hee...mmmm...and i love my tattoo....and my slip!!!! god i miss her!!!! i am hoping that things will work out soon somehow...anyways...yea thats my exciting adventure for the day....bye bye!

ok so today i go to get my next piercing!!! holy shit is it ever gonna hurt...but ill deal with the apin..it will be soo hot!!! thats what helps me not back out!!! and i get my tattoo tomorrow!!! soo excited!!! its even got a sweet ass story behind it!!! it is a drawing my friend drew on my back at twisted minds 2007*its a rave for my less informed friends that i completely adore!* and when i wasnt quite so distracted from the night, i actually looked at it and decided i was gonna get it as a real tattoo!!! and now that i have just told my totally kick ass story that nobody cares about to pretty much noone...i am moving on!! tee hee!! yes if you havent figured it out by now...i am a tattoo and piercing whore!!! i cannot have to many...and i absoloutley find people with piercings and ink completely fucking hot!!!!

well thats all for now...except that i am soo excited for the coming up raves and shit!!!!!

april 14th-------------wide awake

april 20th-------------reefer madness

april 28th-------------x marks the spot!!!!<---especially excited about this one!!!! cuz i get to take her rave virginity...shall be sweet

may 13th-------------finger eleven and strata concert!!!<excited lots about this one too! my first ever!!!

 

and then there is funkalicious...on may 26th i believe! i am soo there!!!

wooot!!!

 

relive the rave

so i sit here...remebering everything... the lights, the music, the people, the elctricity, the feeling of all the other bodies, rubbing mine on their way past, or while their dancing, the feeling of her lips pressing mine, the urgency in her kiss the way, he tasted so damn good, the exotic smell of alot of people dancing, and sweating, and just loving the night, the erotic touch of the music making my body pulse dance move shake, the feeling of the tremors rocking my body, the energy coursing through me, the lights the music the enrgy the sex the drugs the love the friends the dancing the water the floor the smokes the djs everything is in place...lets get this mother fucking party started, lets get going to somewhere special, lets run away for the night, escape everything except you and me and the rest of the ravers, the world doesnt exist, just feel the music, love the night, and dance with me babey!